Walk On

Dear Coach Miles,

I'd like to apply for a walk on linebacker position with the Tigers.
As you can see, I have quite the thick build, which will serve me well on the team. That's pure 100% natural muscle right there, Coach. No roids, no "special shakes". The only hormones in my milk are au naturale. I got this way by eating right,

sleeping lots,
and exercising. My workout routine consists of push ups.
Sit ups.
Side arm rows.
And leg lifts.

You'll notice that I'm wearing my Tiger garb at all times during workouts. That's because I feel it's important to look the part you want to play. My daddy said this outfit looked like a cheerleader outfit, but I told him he was about to get two bits of my foot, and four bits of my fist, if he didn't take that back.
Just kidding, I didn't really tell that to daddy. That's because I always show the proper respect to authority. Which is why you won't ever hear about me getting kicked out of the Varsity for threatening someone with a gun after they've disrespected my girlfriend. Unless of course it's Sweet Mae we're talking about, and then I may have to introduce the perpetrator to my left thigh Thunder, and my right thigh Lightnin', with two swift round house kicks. But I digress.

What my little two bit comment does demonstrate, is my clever sense of trash talk, and the ability to use it to my advantage. Let me demonstrate with Tad, who plays for Team Toy Box. Tad doesn't know what's about to hit him. Here we are on the line.
I'm telling Tad all about his mama, and how I'm gonna make him eat kitty litter. I've disarmed him though with my winning smile, so all Tad is doing is talking about how he has a hand, and I have a hand, and we both have two hands. (Personally, I think Team Toy Box needs to invest in some helmets for it's players, but that's just my own personal opinion.) In any case, I make my move on Tad,
and nail him to the ground with my speed and girth.
Tad is so shaken up, all he can say is "Let's dance," then he starts humming some salsa music. That's how powerful my hit is, Coach Miles. All I can say is, you don't want to run into this in a dark alley.

Ha. Just kidding, I wouldn't hurt you. Unless it was on the field. Then, I can't be held responsible for my strength and agility.

Lastly, I'd like to point out the fact that we both have similar, excellent, taste in hat wearing ability. I've heard the phrase "Fear the Hat", and know it is in reference to how high and proud you wear your LSU hats. I do the same.
It's because we have such large heads. And you know what they say about a man with a large head. . . He's got a big brain.
So coach, I hope to see you on the field. If not this fall, let's shoot for fall of 2027.
Good Luck tomorrow night, and Geaux Tigers!