Troubles/Dirty Thomas

Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows, but Mom-my

She likes it when I scream, it seems
That why she does sleep train-ing

Hello my fans. It seems mommy and I are at an all out war with each other. I don't like it any more than you do, but she's left me no choice.

In my short life, there have been but two things I could count on: warm milk, and mommy. It seems that last night, mommy failed me. I speak, of course, of this sleep training she's decided to invoke. I don't really understand why she feels it is necessary. I am perfectly content falling asleep in mommy's arms and staying there the rest of the night. Mommy acts like she has other things she'd like to be doing with daddy or Amos, and keeps insisting that I need to learn to soothe myself back to sleep. Why? Why would I need to learn this, when I have mommy to soothe me?
Last night was our first battle. Mommy fed me at bed time, as usual, and I fell asleep, as usual. If I had known what mommy was planning, I would have stayed awake and alert. But being the trusting soul that I am, I let down my defenses, closed my eyes, and drifted off to never-never land. Sometime afterwards, I woke up in my crib. Apparently I hadn't been in my crib that long, mommy said approximately 5 minutes, but I don't know, because as I said, I WAS asleep, peacefully, in the warmth of mommy's arms. If she hadn't set me in that cold, lonely, crib, I would have continued to sleep. In any case, I woke up. And, as usual, I let mommy know I was awake, with ear piercing, terrified, "WHY AM I ALONE" screams. To my surprise, mommy did not coming running immediately. I screamed FOR A FULL MINUTE before she appeared. And when she did, and this folks is the kicker, she didn't pick me up. Oh no, she simply patted me on the back, stroked my hair, kissed my cheek, and told me she loved me. THEN SHE LEFT AGAIN. Well, you can imagine my dismay. So I kicked the screams up a notch. This time she let me scream for 2 minutes. Do you hear me? 2 MINUTES PEOPLE. Again, she returned, and left me there, lying in the crib, as she stroked me and whispered sweet things in my ear. Shushed me, told me I was ok.
Well, clearly I was not ok. Again, she left me. At this point, I was beside myself. Clearly I had to up the ante. When mommy returned after 3 minutes, I realized I would have to pull out the big guns. As she leaned over the crib to kiss me and tell me she loved me, I opened my eyes wide, tears pouring down my cheeks, bottom lip quivering, and raised my tiny, soft hand to stroke her cheek. My eyes pleaded "how could you do this to me," and my touch said, "I need you mommy." Just then, I felt that wetness on mommy's cheek, and I knew, I had her. Confident in my victory, I closed my eyes, sighed heavily, and waited for her to lift me from the bed. Imagine my surprise when she left. Again. I was so shocked I went into a comatose state for several hours. Some would say I was sleeping, but really, I was plotting my revenge.

At 5:22 a.m., like a light bulb over my head, I got it. I could sense Mommy stirring with a horrible headache, and that's when I unleashed my power. The screams were emitted from deep within my belly at an ear splitting level. So loud that I heard both mommy and daddy spring from the bed. As mommy fumbled in the dark for the lamp, her glasses, her sanity, I upped the octave of my screams, and threw in a leg stomp that shook my entire crib. This sent her running, and I do mean running, into my room, and I was immediately scooped up into her loving, warm arms.

Check and Mate, Mommy. Check and mate.
Today, I am back to my happy, wonderful, self. No trace of any bad will from last night.
But, I know what you're thinking, Mommy.

Did Thomas fire all of his shots last night? Will he be too tired to fire off again tonight? Well, to tell the truth, in all my goodwill today, I'm not sure myself. But being that I'm a baby, and have pretty powerful lungs, lungs which can let out quite a few screams, you've got to ask yourself one question- 'Do I feel lucky?'
Well, do you mommy?